I think that joke died about a decade ago

That’s been something hard about transitioning, being aware of how fewer and fewer people find me attractive the further I go. Ah well, it’s not like I was going to find a partner anyways, looks really never came into play in the first place.

If you just wanna squeeze it for a while that’s good too

Can I have some pats please

I feel like I’m incapable of doing anything and am an utter failure of a human being. Doing nothing all the time is best to be avoided, take my word for it

Thankfully now I can be mostly asleep for 15ish hours, it was hell when I would go to bed at 7 to avoid existence and would wake up at 3

I should really just unalive myself and get it over with, things are worse than when I started drugs and therapy and there’s no way things are going to get better. Things don’t improve unless you improve them and I’ve tried and failed over and over

When you go to bed because the alternative is trying to force yourself to do things you once enjoyed to kill time

When you get into bed at 7 pm and don’t manage to get out of it till 11 am

When you don’t feel hungry but you haven’t eaten in a day or two and you know you should and people would want you to but you can’t bring yourself to go make or get it and not eating feels satisfyingly self destructive

sorry to be the one to break it to you

Take a quick look through my post history

gives up and goes to bed even though it’s 7pm and I haven’t eaten yet today

Probably end up killing myself tbqh

My yin, being required to provide what they do have and nothing more would be a huge boon to community driven efforts to preserve it. “Not everything can be perfect so therefore we should do nothing” is a bad take.

I’m too fucked up for an SO. There’s a song lyric that goes “How’s anyone else gonna love you, if you don’t love you too” and like, yeah. Way too full of self hatred to be appealing to anyone.

It also has 71 outlets instead of 66 lol

Thanks for your kind words.

It’s… I can and am choosing not to kill myself. I can’t choose to not want to kill myself. I think it’s kind of inevitable though, it’ll only take one time of things being bad enough for me to not care about hurting those who care about me. More or less just trying to give myself as much time as possible and enjoy what I can while I can.

I don’t really have any hope for the future. It’s become incredibly clear to me over the past few months that while I can feel better sometimes, nothing actually improves. Things don’t improve unless you actively try to improve them, and having tried and failed spectacularly it’s apparent that I even if I kept trying, it would be ineffective, and I just can’t care enough to keep trying.

I really don’t want to keep living, but I choose to anyways, at least until things I get bad I can’t choose anymore. I won’t hurt my friends and family and I know how I see things and how I feel are different from the reality of my situation. Just eventually, those won’t be enough anymore.

I… actually did something similar a month ago. Just with a bag. Scary that it’s not as bad as I thought it would be, kind of removes one of the barriers discouraging it.

Mood, fucking same.

But also because the world sucks ass and people are getting more comfortable talking about their mental health. Two of the three coworkers I was close to at my job were on the same antidepressant as me. That’s not a “I only communicate with similarly fucked up people” thing, these are people I didn’t have a choice in meeting. Not that your comment isn’t accurate, I think it’s also just you’re more comfortable talking about your mental health with the friends and communities you’re close to.

Not being functional enough to take care of a pet 👍

The fucking worst is when I tell someone that and they’re like “I’ll bet you’d rise to the occasion and it would fix you 😄” and like, fuck no. I tried, and all that resulted was a rehomed cat and a whole lot more self hatred and having to convince you that I suck as much as I do is making things so much worse.

Yeah, I know my view of reality isn’t accurate. Doesn’t make things easier to handle but it’s why I’m still handling them. At the worst of times I’m just living for the sake of other people which while it keeps me here can also be really frustrating – it’s like other people are holding themselves hostage against my nonexistence. I do talk about it with some friends that are already that close. I honestly kind of credit one of them with saving my life in June, though she doesn’t know it. It just feels like life keeps pulling blocks from the jenga tower that I am and there’s not many left before I collapse.

Sorry for laying this on you.

Before anyone comes along telling me I should get professional help, I have. I’m in therapy and on antidepressants. Antidepressants help but they’re like health regen, if I get chunked I still have to deal with being low on health for a while. And therapy… It helped and is helping but the last five months have been so so terrible it’s undone all the progress I made and I’m struggling to not give up. I see the thinking patterns that are wrong and where how I feel differs from the reality of my situation but it takes so much effort to break out of those patterns and I’m struggling to care enough to try. All the help in the world can’t change your thoughts and perceptions for you.

I do try to keep myself safe. I deliberately have avoided setting anything up that I could use to send notes on a delay and have avoided setting up/working on/looking into/sourcing parts for the method I would use, so when it gets that bad it forces me to take a lot of time and effort and buys me time for things to improve a bit. I’m just worried that someday it’ll be so bad I won’t care about a painless method or leaving without saying goodbye to the people who care about me. I think it’s probably inevitable, but that’s a self fulfilling prophecy and one of those feelings that I know isn’t accurate, though that doesn’t make it any easier to handle.

I just keep editing this comment trying to make it more positive and it keeps backfiring, sorry.

On the bright side, things can’t get too much worse. I quit my job so it’s no longer triggering depressive crashes and there’s not too many more unexpected expenses left that could happen. I already have had to replace my phone and car since I quit and both the cost of insurance and the cost of therapy are doubling. My grandmother’s died too since I’ve quit. So, there’s not really anything left to make things much worse! Well, getting horribly sick or injured before new insurance kicks in but not going anywhere or doing anything makes injury and illness extremely unlikely. So, things should be pretty stable for the immediate future. I might even see friends in person again for the first time in months!

Just because I want to die doesn’t mean I should drag friends and family down with me

Stressing them the hell out about my well-being just makes life worse for them and piles guilt on me

If/when I do kill myself I want none of them to know it was acutely that bad because then no one can blame themselves for not doing anything to stop it

Letting anyone that close to me would purely be doing them a massive disservice