North Korea would like a word.

Was that 9,000 one way or was it for the round trip?

Why not just piss into a plastic pint glass and hoss it into the crowd, like a civilised person?

F**king right they do.

Never. Ever. Try to eat a dinosaur.

Mr Blott could have been born within the sound of Bow Bells.

Mandatory organised fun is the best kind of fun!

And yet when I try to hold hands with a 12-year old at the museum, so we don’t get separated, I get ‘a conversation’ with the cops. So unfair. Just trying to fit in.

Nothing reaffirms Jesus’ message more than making children sob. It’s what he would have wanted.

I did this to all my parents’ bookshelves when I was about 8. For the next 45 years they blamed me every time they couldn’t find a book.

Ooh, yes, I should have mentioned she sliced them first!

We used to get puffball mushrooms occassionally. My mum would breadcrumb and deep fry them. Nice.

That’s where pale white people come from, they killed dark white people across Europe as they spread

I think they were equal opportunity killers.

True dat. You wouldn’t believe the crazy, flavourful food we eat behind closed doors. We save the bland beige-on-toast for when foreigners are around.

seconds later, armed police hiding in the wardrobe leapt out

No-one expects the Thai inquisition!

Liliana Goodson travelled to Australia to attend clown school with the gold-plated pistol, worth about $3,000, in her luggage

Um, yeah, I have no notes here. US woman. Clown school. Gold-plated pistol. Yup. All seems pretty standard.

My kids do the same - they ask for Lego Minecraft sets or Lego Ninjago sets or whatever, build them and stick them on the shelf. They’re horrified by my suggestion that they tear them down and build other random things with the bits. And, of course, a lot of the bits nowadays are so specialized that they have limited uses. When I was a kid most of my lego was just standard blocks.

Looks a bit like Will Smith to me.

Or, maybe, Lucy Liu.

Or, maybe, Patrick Stewart.

Or maybe, Elmer Fudd.

Hard to pin to down. Sorry. No, I probably couldn’t pick him or her out of a line-up.

Scum floats to the top.