Dick Justice

One time when my kids were little I was at Walmart and I suddenly realized I didn’t know where my son was and he was just little. So I was like, oh my god, where’s Buddy? Where’s Buddy? Where’s Buddy? And he busted up laughing because I was fucking holding him.

Insomnia does weird things to you.

Can I get some of that plastic action in my testicles too please?

He always looks like he’s got his face pressed up against a window

Have some snickers bars with that broccoli!

Wait, what… what did the words say?