There’s also Orbot to run it from a phone

Damn. This would have been a really clever joke if that was a real problem and not just something you made upto feel like your overcoming oppression.

Oh, I think I’ve already seen this movie.

OK but I’m genuinely terrified by how common this is at my company, and its notably better at retention then the industry norm.

Screw Dead Internet Theory, this is my conspiracy: Crowdstrike style incidents are going to get more and more common as techdebt keeps growing.