because that makes it too obvious you weren’t listening whenif she explicitly told you what was wrong.
If. Not saying it doesn’t happen, but it’s not common, especially not explicitly. And that’s not really a male/female/etc thing, it’s an everybody thing - people get upset and usually don’t know exactly why. People experience delayed reactions to emotional triggers that happened days or weeks ago. People project past emotional reactions onto present interactions, usually not for any identifiable reason (this is not to belittle or invalidate the emotion, but just to point out that the connection is usually tenuous and vague).
Getting more angry when someone asks you why you seem upset is typically a defensive reaction - you don’t know why you feel so upset right now, at least not for any specific reason you can express in the moment… so being asked why is putting pressure on you when you’re already experiencing some anxiety, and the typical response is to try to deflect and defend against that pressure.
They told you the problem. It may not have been a verbal demand but they’ve absolutely told you that something is wrong. Or there’s a pattern that’s been occurring. Or “fuck you, fuck this, fuck that, fuck everything sucks right now”. It doesn’t matter why someone is defensive there are ways to deescalate what the fuck is happening and work out what’s wrong together.
If you can’t work that out with your partner when they’re overloaded or upset about work or hungry or elevated you need to figure your shit out. Not all communication is verbal. You have to learn to work in crisis together no matter how big or small.
When my partner flips their shit I ask them what they need and agree that we should do that. And listen to them and figure out if we are solutions oriented right now or just venting. And I validate them.
We’re a team. We can do this together. Because I absolutely know they’ll work with me through anything.
If my partner is having an issue they can’t properly express, how I am supposed to somehow magically know what they need? That’s some Disney shit.
If my partner is upset, I will 100% try to find a solution with them. But if they get mad at me for not understanding what they feel because they don’t understand it themselves, you bet that I won’t let that roll.
And it’s also okay to say “I’m upset and I don’t know why exactly”. It’s a starting point to resolve the issue.
It doesn’t matter they can’t initially properly express it. It matters that you create enough space for them to express frustration and help them work through it. Or you’re always going to have to deal with them blowing up. Because they can’t feel like they can talk to you. There’s no pressure release valve.
But if they get mad at me for not understanding what they feel because they don’t understand it themselves, you bet that I won’t let that roll.
So you escalate the situation instead?
If they’re just pissed, they’re pissed. It’s not personal. Unless you did indeed fuck up, then don’t be defensive and figure out why. This isn’t debate team, there are no points, there is no winner. You absolutely will have to “let it roll” so that that they feel confident in “letting it roll” when you’re being irrational and frustrated.
Big caveat here of course when it comes to irrational anger, if it’s abusive, leave the room|house|state if possible. Also, know that there are mutual aid networks to help with that. If you feel you’re in an abusive relationship call the hotline.
I think we’re misunderstanding each other. You’re using combative and defensive language and then assuming that I’m allowing someone to berate me. That’s different than what happens. There needs to be open communication about how your partner makes you feel and what language they use. But coming at this from a punitive or paternal angle is just ick.
Your initial point is that the partner already expressed their point clearly and that’s the other partner (the man), that didn’t listen.
To which I responded that the onus is on the pissed person to communicate well the issue, not the person listening (assuming that both are acting on good faith).
It’s easy to say " I am mad because of X" regardless of the situation, instead of playing mind games. Or “I am mad about X and I don’t know how to express it”. Simple, respectful and a starting point to resolve the conflict.
This is not coming from a paternal or punitive angle, this is just proper communication. If you can’t express why you are upset to someone and act like the meme, this is not acceptable and respectful.
If they can’t do that, they can go take a five and come back after. It’s the same thing we teach children.
Is the definition of paternal.
You’re asking for a rational response from an irrational act. People don’t say “Oh I seem to have stubbed my toe and it pains me” they say FUCK THAT HURT.
You sound like you’re trying to manage someone’s emotions with your language and posturing. Which is the exact opposite of what will deescalate a situation.
It may not have been a verbal demand but they’ve absolutely told you that something is wrong.
Devil’s advocate: perhaps. But, then all you know is something is wrong, not what. And when asking clarifying questions, like, oh say “what’s wrong?” makes the situation worse? Guess i should paid more attention in Mind Reading at Hogwarts…
oh say “what’s wrong?” makes the situation worse? Guess i should paid more attention in Mind Reading at Hogwarts…
I don’t think this is a productive way to think of your partner. I also don’t think you’ve read my comment replies.
If you’re having trouble communicating with your partner, and you get defensive about it, you’re going to have bigger problems than just “mind reading” as you call it.
If. Not saying it doesn’t happen, but it’s not common, especially not explicitly. And that’s not really a male/female/etc thing, it’s an everybody thing - people get upset and usually don’t know exactly why. People experience delayed reactions to emotional triggers that happened days or weeks ago. People project past emotional reactions onto present interactions, usually not for any identifiable reason (this is not to belittle or invalidate the emotion, but just to point out that the connection is usually tenuous and vague).
Getting more angry when someone asks you why you seem upset is typically a defensive reaction - you don’t know why you feel so upset right now, at least not for any specific reason you can express in the moment… so being asked why is putting pressure on you when you’re already experiencing some anxiety, and the typical response is to try to deflect and defend against that pressure.
They told you the problem. It may not have been a verbal demand but they’ve absolutely told you that something is wrong. Or there’s a pattern that’s been occurring. Or “fuck you, fuck this, fuck that, fuck everything sucks right now”. It doesn’t matter why someone is defensive there are ways to deescalate what the fuck is happening and work out what’s wrong together.
If you can’t work that out with your partner when they’re overloaded or upset about work or hungry or elevated you need to figure your shit out. Not all communication is verbal. You have to learn to work in crisis together no matter how big or small.
When my partner flips their shit I ask them what they need and agree that we should do that. And listen to them and figure out if we are solutions oriented right now or just venting. And I validate them.
We’re a team. We can do this together. Because I absolutely know they’ll work with me through anything.
If my partner is having an issue they can’t properly express, how I am supposed to somehow magically know what they need? That’s some Disney shit.
If my partner is upset, I will 100% try to find a solution with them. But if they get mad at me for not understanding what they feel because they don’t understand it themselves, you bet that I won’t let that roll.
And it’s also okay to say “I’m upset and I don’t know why exactly”. It’s a starting point to resolve the issue.
It doesn’t matter they can’t initially properly express it. It matters that you create enough space for them to express frustration and help them work through it. Or you’re always going to have to deal with them blowing up. Because they can’t feel like they can talk to you. There’s no pressure release valve.
So you escalate the situation instead?
If they’re just pissed, they’re pissed. It’s not personal. Unless you did indeed fuck up, then don’t be defensive and figure out why. This isn’t debate team, there are no points, there is no winner. You absolutely will have to “let it roll” so that that they feel confident in “letting it roll” when you’re being irrational and frustrated.
Big caveat here of course when it comes to irrational anger, if it’s abusive, leave the room|house|state if possible. Also, know that there are mutual aid networks to help with that. If you feel you’re in an abusive relationship call the hotline.
https://www.thehotline.org/
I don’t escalate, but I tell my partner that her behavior is not acceptable, and she does the same to me.
Being pissed isn’t a free pass to be a dick to your partner. If they are pissed and they come to you, then they don’t get to be pissy with you.
If they can’t do that, they can go take a five and come back after. It’s the same thing we teach children.
In the case I fucked up, I apologize and make amends. Again, it isn’t a free pass for my partner to berate me.
And my partner expects the same from me.
I think we’re misunderstanding each other. You’re using combative and defensive language and then assuming that I’m allowing someone to berate me. That’s different than what happens. There needs to be open communication about how your partner makes you feel and what language they use. But coming at this from a punitive or paternal angle is just ick.
Your initial point is that the partner already expressed their point clearly and that’s the other partner (the man), that didn’t listen.
To which I responded that the onus is on the pissed person to communicate well the issue, not the person listening (assuming that both are acting on good faith).
It’s easy to say " I am mad because of X" regardless of the situation, instead of playing mind games. Or “I am mad about X and I don’t know how to express it”. Simple, respectful and a starting point to resolve the conflict.
This is not coming from a paternal or punitive angle, this is just proper communication. If you can’t express why you are upset to someone and act like the meme, this is not acceptable and respectful.
Is the definition of paternal.
You’re asking for a rational response from an irrational act. People don’t say “Oh I seem to have stubbed my toe and it pains me” they say FUCK THAT HURT.
You sound like you’re trying to manage someone’s emotions with your language and posturing. Which is the exact opposite of what will deescalate a situation.
This is not the definition of paternal at all.
I am not asking for a rational response, I am asking for a respectful response, and my partner expects the same from me.
It’s fine if my partner is angry or sad or anything else, but it’s not okay to make you feel bad for a genuine question and trying to help.
It is possible to be emotional and respectful but what you described in your OP isnt that.
Devil’s advocate: perhaps. But, then all you know is something is wrong, not what. And when asking clarifying questions, like, oh say “what’s wrong?” makes the situation worse? Guess i should paid more attention in Mind Reading at Hogwarts…
I don’t think this is a productive way to think of your partner. I also don’t think you’ve read my comment replies.
If you’re having trouble communicating with your partner, and you get defensive about it, you’re going to have bigger problems than just “mind reading” as you call it.