Hi everyone, I’m currently going thru a breakup with someone that seems to be a narcissist (no diagnosis but their behaviour seems to point that she is) and I think is the first time I dealt with someone like that.
We had a fallout after she had an argument with her family and friends during a party that I attended to at her place, she stormed out of her place completely drunk and left me there in a weird position, her friends where bitter and told me things about her and it matched with things I saw by myself but wasn’t sure so I didn’t make a big fuss about them and that broke me completely since I’m deeply in love with her.
Her friends and I just stopped talking to her after her rude behavior and actually expected her to apologize to me or give me an explanation but she didn’t budge and just kept on partying and not talking at all to me for almost a week and whene she did talk was to tell me that how did I dare to distrust her.
She has been on and off with me and calls me in the middle of the night piss drunk to tell me she loves me and that she misses me and then she’ll go cold again, we’ll spend a night together and then cold again and that’s driving me mad since I already tend to overthink everything or day dream a lot and is literally torture in my brain I cannot take the thoughts out of my head since I’m hyper focusing on that only and is making me feel a lot of pain and solitude.
Have you ever dealt with a situation like this? Are narcissists attracted to ADHD folk? Do you have any ideas or strategies that have worked for your to bring yourself back to a more normal state?
Thanks in advance for your responses
Edit: I wanted to ad as well that she’s a transgender woman and I had a crush on her since I was a teenager (she’s kinda popular on social media in my country) she actually made me realize that I liked trans girls and somehow we bumped into each other again now that I’m an adult but now I’m having these thoughts that I might not find someone that understands me and she made me feel like an outcast again, I introduced her to my family and made it clear that I fell in love of her goofy moments in privacy and her eyes it was never a sexual thing like really was pure but now I’m totally shattered I’ve been drinking every weekend in order to catch some sleep and it’s scaring me a lot
Does the following sound familiar when she’s done something that you know was wrong and you confronted her?
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.That’s called The Narcissist’s Prayer. Narcissists are incapable of ever accepting that they’re to blame for anything. You will always be miserable in a relationship with such a person.
There is, however, a kind of protective narcissism that can be removed if you treat a person gently.
The society (some family members included) may treat schizophrenics, autistic people with PDA, others harshly enough (pressuring them to be “normal”) that they develop this thing, that may seem very similar to narcissism.
EDIT: Putting it a bit differently - if a person is kind to animals, there are likely not narcissist, but may be pseudo-narcissist. If they can’t do something you ask of them, it may be PDA. If they can do something kind involving sacrifices on their own, but suddenly can’t when you put that as some expectation - then they are traumatized and the problem may not be with them.
I mean she has a dog and she pays for his food and all, but her mom is actually the one taking care of it she won’t feed him or shower him, she’ll just be with him when she’s going to sleep.
From what I gathered from her mom is that she has like a fear of expectations and compromises, like to give more context about her she’s a quite accomplished make up artist she actually makes a pretty penny out of it and she supports her family and all so quite ok in that regard. Now, once she had this conversation with my mom (my family owns a few businesses so we have ok money) and she wanted to put money down to grow my partner’s business since she was getting into the family in a serious way, she was flattered and told me the whole thing and I told her it sounded great and I was going to help her to set everything up tho it was going to envolve a few years for it to run by itself, to what she replied “oh I don’t want the responsibility” and I mean maybe I’m overeaching but she’s like that with anything that involves her sacrificing time or putting the effort since she knows she won’t be able to drink everyday anymore or be all pretty all the time.
sometimes I feel that because she sae my family had a bit of wealth instantly she was going to get a house and a car for me and her and like we’ve been together for 8 months like it’s kinda unrealistic at least in my books plus is my families money not only mine.
Hurt people hurt people. Past trauma informs how we interact sure, but it doesn’t excuse perpetuating that cycle upon others. A lover isn’t required to be a therapist or a parent.
I know. I’ve just known a real narcissist. The difference is that with a pseudo-narcissist (like my mom) there usually is some way to avoid triggering their trauma. With a real narcissist (like that girl) there really is none.
Of course there’s nuance. I was just sharing what I’ve had to learn is all. I hope your relationship with your mom is good or better than it was in the past. If that’s what you want or if that works for y’all.
Yes definitely some of the things there are of the ones she’ve said to me. At the beginning I couldn’t tell if I was right or wrong to be honest since (and I’ll get a bit personal here) the first time we had an issue was over some random girl that she deemed less (she actually said she was a whore) told her that she dated me for a short while and she was trying to frame me as disgusting over that and that how I never told her I dated that girl, thanks to ADHD and being a bit of a neofite in relationships I assumed I was in the wrong for not being totally open over that, but now I know it is not normal to have to talk who I dated before hell I never asked who she dated previously cause I truly don’t care.
I’m so scared that now I’m in for a ride since she’ll be leaving to Europe for a beauty pageant and the thought that she might find someone “better” than me ticks my rejection fears and hypersensitivity the wrong way.
Drop it like a bad habit. She uses words to get what she wants out of people. You need to realise you can and will do better without her and the emotional abuse she is putting you through.
This is how it actually feels like being addicted to a drug and it’s hard to run away since I got used to sleep with her and do things with her all the time plus the whole fact that I had this crush on her since I was a teen makes it worst cause I imagined I ended up idealizing a relationship with her but she’s a broken glass and she’ll never be happy with anyone cause she thinks everyone is disposable and she’ll be looking for the next big thing really disgusting behaviour really
Yes, and what you are describing means you have to cut it. I’ve had such emotions.
You will also find out in future that there can be relationships with all the joy and none of the pain. Even dysfunctional ones will more often be better than not.
Replace her with a constructive activity that you enjoy. Live your life for you and love yourself. People who love their life are attractive to people who want love in their life.
This sounds like a tough situation. From what you’ve described, the way this person is treating you lacks any trace of care or respect. You deserve better. From anyone you interact with, but especially from anyone that wants to be intimate with you (in any sense of the word). I’m concerned that you’re still talking to them, let alone wavering on whether to break up with them.
At the risk of being a bit harsh, I wonder if this song applies? I share this only because sometimes it’s easier to see from the outside how abusive a relationship has become. I’ve you’re feeling delicate, maybe wait until you’re feeling a bit more robust before you listen.
Are narcissists attracted to ADHD folk?
People with a narcissistic streak are attracted to anyone with weakened personal boundaries. This is often the case with those of us who grow up with undiagnosed ADHD, and other forms of neurodivergence. Because we spend our formative years with a neurotypical-dominated world constantly gaslighting us. We’re taught to distrust our perceptions; of what’s normal for us, what works for us, and so on.
Do you have any ideas or strategies that have worked for your to bring yourself back to a more normal state?
Two things; self love, personal boundaries.
It’s an ongoing journey. Life traumas often tip me back into self-loathing and letting other people push me around. But I keep working on accepting myself, warts and all, and reminding myself that I don’t need to be perfect to deserve love, let alone basic care and respect. I keep working on saying “no” when that’s the right answer for me, even if other people get upset that I don’t say “yes”.
There’s a book by Dr. Allan Mallinger called ‘Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control’. I try to remember to reread this book every few years. I found this really helpful, both for understanding my own obsessive people-pleasing. As well as being more compassionate towards others when they’re stuck in obsessive behaviour, without sacrificing my own wellbeing trying to “fix” things for them. Which might help in dealing with this person you’re struggling to break up with.
Another book I’ve found really helpful for my journey towards self-acceptance is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Tolle’s prose is gentle but never pandering. Often confusing, but always in ways that open space for deeper reflection. Each time I read it, I always follow the suggestion to put the book down and come back to it later, whenever one of the little pause symbols appears. Taking some time to absorb each section and observe my mind’s reactions to it, and whether that conflicts with or resonates with my more intuitive responses.
Yeah now I’m getting to that realization, I don’t know how much the fact I had a crush on her and the persona she showed online and at the beginning stages of the relationship made me fall for the death trap, a year ago I had a big breakup with someone I was actually going to marry and all and left me on a really bad state and blocked my emotions until a met this girl like no joke the first date was so magical that made me want to feel love again but know I’m more fearful of any connection even tho I crave it so bad since I want to feel I have a partner that can see what I’m inside.
At the risk of being a bit harsh, I wonder if this song applies?
I know the the offspring hell long time no listening to that song I completely forgot it’s existence used to be really into punk when I was a teen you brought me back in time, but yeah definitely I feel that way currently. I also think about this song when I ponder about the situation I’m in currently also a bit rough if you’re down but gotta love it haha
Also thanks for your recommendations I’ll give them a read or try to grab an audio book version to manage to go thru them, you mentioned self love and to be honest I really don’t know if I have low self esteem like I used to when I was a teen I was always the odd one because of my preferences in music, movies or topics I liked in general tho I started wearing the weird title as a badge of honor and cultivated my knowledge and abilities more than my physique, now I made more of a compromise with my looks since I’m an adult and well I have to fit in society but still inside I love my brain and how it saved me from a lot off stuff in my whole life, but now I know I could be with someone that treats me properly and I’m charming in my own weird way it’s just that somehow she played with my brain to the point I’m just running in circles for no reason and I feel so dumb that I cannot get out of this loop, hell I even remember at the very beginning telling her that I could see the walls she created around herself with her online persona and that I could see thru them and I knew she’s actually fragile inside but didn’t realize that fits into what narcissist actually do and couldn’t see the red flag.
Overall I think me being a “weird” person growing up made me feel empathy for everyone since I suffered abuse from people most of my life and people usually exploit that trait for their benefit.
I went no contact with my narcissist mom. I have ADHD. The final straw was when my grandma (her mom) was dying of bone cancer, and my mom had just got her second divorce. Instead of staying with her mom and being palliative care, and saving money for both of them. She moved to a very expensive apartment near me. When I already had a move planned. I told her I was moving and that she should stay at my grandma’s and help her out. For 4 months she begged me not to move to my dream job and stay with her because she was so lonely in her new town. Like what the fuck. You just left your mother, in her dying months. Where your sister and your brothers and their family live in this massive support network. To a city where your child has told you they’re leaving? What the fuck?
I sold everything I owned, moved in with my gramma, called the job and asked if they’d hold the position for a few months while I get care setup with my aunts and uncles. Mimi died 5 weeks later. My mother didn’t show up to the funeral. I never talked to her again.
I think about my mom every few days. But I’ll never speak to her again. People have no meaning to her.
Going no contact was the best decision I ever made.
I have no idea what will work for you. But I’ve grown and become a better person without having to expend so much energy on my mom. You might find the same benefit in your situation.
You have value, you matter. You must have qualities another partner would be interested in. Or else your ex never would have tried to be with you in the first place. Beware though as soon as you’re showing competence without her she’ll lovebomb the shit out of you.
Good luck.
That sounds horrible really I’m sorry you had to go through that and I cannot even imagine how it should be to deal with someone in your family with those traits. But definitely I feel that once I manage to break the loop in my head I’ll have a lot of development emotionally and psychologically.
Also thanks for your last words, I need to remind myself I’m a good person and have a lot going on for myself and as well it already happened as soon as I stopped beging her to talk she came back trying to catch me and the cycle repeated itself I need to cut her completely from my life and detox.
Thanks again and courage for you as well.
You’ll find a way through all of this. If you can afford it, a therapist may help.
It sounds like you are in a downward spiral. It’s time to pull yourself together and focus on self improvement. Forget about the relationship. Forget about drinking and drugs. If you can raise your self respect and confidence, you won’t fall for another person like this. Good luck!
I think this seems more like a BPD person, but - narcissism too.
As you are asking for advice, mine is:
About narcissists - never ever allow them to have any degree of control over you. Similarly to people grown cowards TBH.
Did you have a honest talk, without substances, on all the conflict parts?
If there’s avoidance of that, nothing you can do. I have, eh, some experience in my life too. Just move on.
Also, about substances - stop drinking. Try limiting yourself to something like tea without sugar and buckwheat, and maybe something like salted turkey broth with some pieces of turkey meat eaten separately. Maybe milk.
At least that’s what helped me to regain ability to sleep after my losses and traumas.
I have a friend with diagnosed BPD and she said it could be BPD but that she might have narcissistic traits, in hindsight she had a rough upbringing like you know she’s transgender an she transitioned on the early 2010s when there was not a lot of acceptance and awareness of lbgtq people plus she was raised by a single mother so it could explain why she developed BPD.
I’ve asked her to talk out things when she’s sober but she flat out avoids the confrontation like while drunk she’ll tell me to go to her place and stay with her and only when I got fed up and popped in her place without asking again I was able to see her in person after weeks of no physical contact. I think she doesn’t wants me to bring up uncomfortable situations to the table which I have a few, like people around her showing me that she was on a dating site for trans women for a while already, and I mean myself in willing to work out things if possible but it feels like I’m doing everything and destroying myself in the process (also I know 100% that was her cause she used a picture of her in my car and never posted that pic in social media)
Myself I definitely need to stop drinking every weekend since I’m fearful of becoming dependent to that I’ll give the tea a try and try to manage my anxiety in a healthier way.
We get physiologically attached to our primary partners (One anthropologist calls love an addiction). That makes it hard to distinguish what we want. Just, account for that. The decision regarding whether to remain in a relationship should be based on a history of functioning in a mutually agreed upon way, or a commitment to do so. Not, although it’s hard, on the feeling of pain which accompanies the possibility of separation.
Look up DoctorRamani on YouTube. Her videos were informative and validating when I was trying to escape my abusive narcissist ex. I also found journaling to help. I put all my thoughts and feelings about the relationship down in a journaling app, which helped clarify my thoughts, work through the emotions, and it served as a record against her attempts at gaslighting. I could also go back and refresh my memory, and I was surprised how deeply unhappy I was all the time. I knew there were problems and that I was struggling while trying to get her to be better, but I had this general sense that things were kind of okay. They were not, and it was really clear when I read it back.
Best of luck to you getting and maintaining as much distance as you can. It’s hard now, but you will heal. Once the effect of the abuse starts to wear off, it’ll get a lot easier.
